The hip-hop star's cry for a father

Lecrae Moore, who is currently making headlines with his new book, is one of the biggest names in hip-hop today. For much of his life, he searched for a replacement for the father he never had, but neither drugs, alcohol, sex, nor gang life could fill the void. It was only when he surrendered his life to God that he found the father he had longed for his entire life.

By Jens Linde

His lyrics deal with violence, drugs, substance abuse, drinking – and the longing for love and belonging. This is something many people clearly relate to, as Lecrae Moore is one of the hottest names in hip-hop and rap right now. He appears on major talk shows and graces the covers of magazines and newspapers in the U.S.; he is a two-time Grammy winner, and his album *Anomaly* was the first ever to top both the Billboard 200 and Billboard Gospel charts. His lyrics are largely about his own life – as it once was. Today, he is a happily married family man and a committed Christian, and he has just published his autobiography Unashamed.
It was the discovery of God as a loving father that changed his life, for throughout his childhood and youth, Lecrae hungered for the father who never played a role in his life. A father who was on drugs and alcohol, and who was also violent. His father's total absence created a great void inside Lecrae. A void that Lecrae tried with all his might to fill.
- Beneath all my pain and bad behavior, there was a sense of emptiness. There was a dull, throbbing feeling of rejection, Lecrae tells Relevant Magazine.
The rejection was palpable. Lecrae had to face the fact that his father would rather take drugs than be with his son. Lecrae tried to fill the hole inside him with athletics, money, status, drugs, drinking, gang life, sex…
- I was looking for excitement and was open to everything. They called me Crazy Crae, because I was ready to do anything, anytime, and in any way. I lived only for what was happening here and now, Lecrae tells the magazine Complex.
- But no matter how many women I got involved with, no matter how many drugs I took, and how drunk I got, no matter how much I wanted to escape the feeling of insignificance and insecurity, I couldn't get rid of it, he reveals in the short film *The Cross*.

You have to find a father
Lecrae grew up partly with his grandmother in the Skyline Hills neighborhood of San Diego, California, where violence and shootings were a daily occurrence. In the gang environment, he experienced a sense of family and an opportunity to belong, and thus the gang became a substitute for his missing father.
- I think every young man looks up to his father to some extent. And if you don't have a father, you have to find one. That's why young guys join gangs. You know you need to find value, significance, purpose, family, and leadership. Someone has to be all that for you, Lecrae says to Relevant Magazine.
As he got older, gang life became harsher, and Lecrae began to feel alienated. Eventually, at the age of 14, he turned his back on it following a specific incident where his gang was supposed to fight another gang. He tells Relevant Magazine:
- I remember thinking: This is real. As in kill, kill; as in death, death.
And that was the exact line Lecrae couldn't bring himself to cross. He was, quite simply, afraid, he admits.

Dead end with sex, alcohol, and drugs
From the age of 16 to 19, Lecrae greedily threw himself into sex and was with any willing girl. Sex, alcohol, and drugs were and remained his best bet for a replacement for his absent father.
When Lecrae started university, where he studied drama, he met a group of African American Christians who he felt accepted him for who he was, and whom he therefore enjoyed being around – without having to chase a fix of one kind or another.
I was surprised that they were just regular people who listened to the same kind of music and read the same books as I did. And they loved God, he tells Complex magazine.
Slowly, the thought matured in him that he had led his life down a dead-end street and that he probably needed to change course.

Jesus in a new way
At one point, Lecrae was invited to a Christian conference in Atlanta, and although he primarily went because he wanted to experience the city, the conference became a turning point for him. Partly because he saw former gang members, rappers, and criminals there who openly shared that they now loved Jesus. He had never experienced anything like it. And partly because he heard a pastor present Jesus in a way that was completely new to him. In the short film The Cross, he says:
I had never thought of Jesus as a real person who experienced real things; I only thought of him as a very distant figure. The pastor began to talk about how Jesus was beaten and whipped for a crime he didn't commit. He described the physical suffering and pain that Jesus was subjected to in graphic detail: His skin was torn off and his muscles ripped open, and on that battered back, Jesus carried the cross he was later nailed to.
It was so vivid and visual to me, as if I were actually standing there watching it. The pastor continued: How dare you tough guys talk badly about my Jesus. Look at what he went through. Don't you know that you have been bought with a price?
I fell to the floor and said: I'm sorry, God, I'm sorry. After we got home, however, I started drinking again and seeing women.

Found a father in God
The experience at the conference in Atlanta had been very convincing for Lecrae – he just couldn't let go of his former lifestyle and surrender to the unknown life of a Christian. He both wanted and didn't want to be a Christian.
In The Cross, he says that the inner struggle eventually became too exhausting for him, and he said to God: Lord, I need you to change me. I need you to make this real for me so I stop running away from you. You have to stop me before I hurt myself or someone else. You can do whatever you want, just don't kill me.
Apparently, God took him at his word, because shortly after, Lecrae was involved in a violent car accident where his car rolled over several times. And Lecrae wasn't wearing a seatbelt. He tells CBN's 700 Club:
I walked away from it without so much as a scratch. The car was totaled, but I was completely unharmed. So I said: Ok, God, I have to change.
Since that day, Lecrae has been a wholehearted Christian, and he feels that God is now the father to him that he never had. The void inside him has been filled.
In his music, he constantly refers to his former life and uses his experiences from it to create art. He does not label himself a Christian rapper, but an artist whose faith shines through his art. To Complex magazine, he puts it this way:
I paint pictures of real life from a different perspective.

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